i'll touch it if you want me to, but how is up to you..

And so, it is finally here - my 'little' project that I have been workin on for the past few months.

2233615

When the idea for this formed into my head, I didnt know what I was starting - it was simply something I saw a need for, for girls like me - alternative girls, if you will. Ones that do not fit the mould, ones that think it is ridiculous to spend thousands on clothes - ones that are sick of the skinny bitches in women's magazines..

So I created a magazine. Online, free digimag. When I unveiled it to the world, I did not know what the reaction would be. And it has been VERY positive! Im still in shock when girls message me and thank me for creating VIXXEN, because that is what they need and that they love it.

So, I present you with VIXXEN, the magazine for alternative girls in South Africa.
www.vixxen.co.za

I hope you guys like it..

soet slaap sonder sonde..

This week has been rather chilled at work.. and my bosses are away today, so Im doing as little as possible.. There have been some interesting developments on my side.. mostly to do with boys.. I met a really rad boy, we have been hanging out a lot, we click and I love his company.. but I dont know if Im interested in him like that.. Actually, I dont think Im interested in anyone. I have been single for a while now, and after my failed engagement, Ive become much more picky regarding who Id actually give the time of day to.. and I just get put off so easily.. I think it's perhaps because I havent met anyone that has really blown me away? I cant wait for my sister to get here! Its been a long, shitty year and I know she will make everything better, like she always does..

this could be anywhere in the world..

weee! bosses out of the office for half of today and they leave to go away on thursday! yay!

my 'business venture' launches on 1st november and Im super amped to show all my hard work.. also, we have a little room next to the garage that Im going to convert into a chill area/ office for myself and paint the walls pink with black zebra stripes :P

its so amazing how sometimes, at the most unexpected of moments, you meet special people.. been happening to me a lot lately.. and its wonderful!

this morning i was looking for something to listen to on my way to work, and i dug up my old punk cds from when i was 15.. wow, i love it, brings back such good memories :)

my friend's band tours europe quite a lot, so iv managed to convince him to buy me a HOLGA and a POLAROID.. mind you, i can vignette normal photos to look like theyre taken on a holga, and i can put a polaroid border to make em look like they were taken on a polaroid.. but its not nearly as authentic, is it?

arg i burnt myself on my hair straightener today AND my one wisdom tooth is hurting.. i know i should probably go take my wisdoms out, but im a sucker for pain!

ohhh and my beautiful little sister will be here on 11th december, which is a month an a half away :) and one of my childhood friends is pregnant and getting married!! :love:

this was taken about a month ago at a friend's GUITAR HERO party (which totally convinced me not to ever attemt to sing again):

ek fokken weet ek is verkeert

i am now probably totally gonna over-post.. i go from one extreme to the other..

i just thought it might be fun to share what a day in the life of an arti director/ graphic designer for a magazine is like..

07h00: alarm goes off. press snooze. continuosly.
07h15: let cat in to cuddle
07h50: finally get up
07h55: have morning coffee and a smoke
08h05: start getting ready
08h25: drive to work
08h30: arrive at the office
08h35: check mail, magazine sit, magazine fecebook and tasks to be done
09h00: start working, cup of coffee in hand
10h30: buy food from the sandwich guy
10h45: irritate co-workers
10h55: work diligently and chat on MSN and SKYPE
12h00: go home for lunch
13h00: back to the office
15h00: make more coffee and try convince other designer to go for a smoke so i can irritate him some more
16h30: start bumming around and slacking off
17h00: leave the office
17h05: home, have a smoke and go online
18h00: more work (freelance stuff, etc)
20h30: TV
23h30: shower and bed

pretty uneventful stuff..

if the shoe fits..

his post has been screaming to be put up for a while now..
This year I have learned so much about life, so bitter lessons, some sweet..
- love is never enough to make you stay with someone
- people dont change
- some people will never achieve anything in life
- the hardest part is letting go
- .. but sometimes it needs to be done
- im happier without you..

lately, i have been working so hard, 2 weeks straight, needed a break so badly, finally got this weekend to party and sleep.. i went on a date, it didnt work out, then the boy saw me kiss someone else and is now sulking.. who cares? he doesnt own me. i am digusted with males lately.. friday night i drove through to edenvale and picked 3 friends up and we set off to watch FOKOFPOLISIEKAR they were amazing as usual..



had the worst hangover on saturday and then went to go watch the FOKOFPOLISIEKAR movie ..



it was so well done, im so glad it has won awards!! and then hung out with my best friend for dinner in Greenside, and met up with some old friends, which was pretty rad..

I spent yesterday with a rad boy and we watched INGLORIOUS BASTERDS.. so yourselves a favour and go watch it guys!

.. and im a silly billy..

im drunk of your kiss, for another night in a row..

I know I should update more often and I have resolved to do so!

There is really nothing particularly new this side, though. My life has become a format - work through the week, drink and sleep on the weekends..

I am starting a diet and exercise as of tomorrow - I gained weight last July and havent even tried to trim down! So I went to a dietician on Thursday and got a diet. With it, I need to also do 45mins cardio about 5 times a week. Im actually pretty amped.

My work is going very well, Im really happy there. We moved offices 1st Sept and our new office is so rad, and actually very inspiring to work in, etc.

I have also started a new venture - you could call it a business one, although the aim is not to make money.. but more on that when it is launched on 1st November!

My sister is arriving in 2 months, and i cannot wait! She is coming on 11th Dec, so Im picking her up from the airport, taking her home, and going back to work (it's my last day of work) and then the fun begins! Due to changes in the flights, she is only staying til 29th Dec, instead of 4th Jan, but its ok - we will have fun regardless..

I have been having recurring dreams, where a plane crashes close to me.. Also, Im in Bulgaria, looking at the gorgeous buildings, and forget my camera!!

Last Saturday I turned 24. And it was such a special birthday :)
So here is a bit of a timeline:

3rd Sept 1982: Mama and Papa get married.

3rd Oct 1985: one Tsvetina is born to Lazarina and Nikolai.

6th Dec 1995: Family arrives in Johannesburg, South Africa for the first time. It is so mark years of financial struggle and adapting to a different culture, but at the same time, a strengthening of the family.

25th June 1996: I go back to Sofia to visit. For the last time for the next 7 years.

November 1998: Finished primary school.

January 1999 - November 2000: High scool, grade 8 and 9 at Randpark High. Geek of note, not fitting in at all.

January 2001: My life is to change forever when I enter a private school, where I become more outgoing and 'cool'.

March - April 2002: Art tour to Europe - amazing 2 weeks in Spain, France and Italy.

July 2003: Back to Bulgaria with Mama and Papa for the first time in 7 years. Surreal and amazing.

November 2003: Graduate from high school

2004: Work at skate shop and music shop; gap year. One of the best years of my life. Also the year when I met and fell for my fist love.

Feb - June 2005: College, hate it so much!

July 2005: Back to Bulgaria for a visit, as well as Athens. Down to 40kgs, sleeping too much and crying.

End of July 2005: Full nervous breakdown, dropped out of college

August 2005: Anti-depressants that saved my life. Embark on what is to be a 1 year relationship.

Feburary 2006: Start college again - at VEGA. Amazing.

September 2006: Ended 1 year relationship.

October 2006: 21st birthday with close friends.

November 2006: End of first year at VEGA

February 2007: Start of Second year at VEGA

March - April 2007: Visit to Bulgaria. Start dating boy from college.

May 2007: Start work at a video shop, while still studying.

November 2007: End of Second year at VEGA

January 2008: End relationship (10 months) and end of video shop work.

February 2008: Third year at VEGA.

July 2008: Bulgaria and Athens.

August 2008: Meet the love of my life. Engaged within 2 weeks. Crazy to others - a natural progression to me.

November 2008: End of Third and final year at VEGA and Internship.

February 2009: Graduation - 3 years of blood, sweat and tears, accumulating to a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Creative Communications, Specialising in Creative Brand Communication, with a major in Graphic Design. What I have wanted to do since I was 13. Also, end engagement. Hard, horrible, lonely time, but know its for the best.

May 2009: Begin work at MAVERICK PUBLISHING.

August 2009: Start a new business venture.

October 2009: 24th birthday.

the story so far..

I can't remember the time or place
Or what you were wearing
It's unclear about how we met
All I know, it was the best conversation that I've ever had
'Til this day I've never found someone
With eyes as wide as yours
I've been searching up and down this coast
Overlooking what I need the most

Did you notice I was afraid?
I thought I'd run out of things to say
Two more hours until today burns this away
And it starts all over again

The sky will never look the same again
'Til you show me how it could be
The sky will never look the same again
'Til you show me how it could be

And everything else is irrelevant
To the story so far
A coincidence that you look like her from afar
Is it true that you like to sleep alone?
Or is it what you just tell everyone?

Did you notice I was afraid?
I thought I'd run out of things to say
Two more hours until today burns this away
And it starts all over again

The sky will never look the same again
'Til you show me how it could be
The sky will never look the same again
'Til you show me how it could be

Until you show me how it could be
Until you show me how it could be

And when the world turns over
I'll keep my ears to the wall
And when the world turns over
I'll keep my feet straight on the ground

Did you notice I was afraid?
I thought I'd run out of things to say
Two more hours until today burns this away
And it starts all over again

The sky will never look the same again
'Til you show me how it could be
The sky will never look the same again
'Til you show me how it could be

Until you show me how it could be
Until you show me how it could be

im in the business of misery, lets take it from the top..

1. finally moved into the house i used to live in 5 years ago. too many memories, very good ones, but saddensing when you realise they're of a time passed long ago, and cannot be relived again.
2. my ipod has become my best friend. listening to music as i fall sleep makes me dream of better days.
3. my new phone rocks.. and im trying to budget on spending on phone bills..
4. my sister bought her ticket yesterday and will be arriving on 12th december. less than 3 months to go! <3
5. im convinced ima be a reborn virgin.
6. i miss love and romance.
7. i <3 katy perry.
8. im so sick so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick.
9. if i was to write down how i feel, id break down.
10. i need o lose weight ASAP for summer.
11. my work keeps me busy and happy..
12. .. and makes me forget that i have no one to come home to.

i burnt down the sky for you, but all you did was shrug - you gave my emptiness a name..

ok i promise i will update MUCH more often..

1. my hair is currently black at the bottom, red at the top, and white-blonde on the sides. pictures coming soon.
2. i finally fucking got laid, after 4 months. the earth didnt move though.
3. work is going very well.
4. i still drink like a fish.
5. my shrink says that i am doing very well.
6. im starting a new venture, and im super amped for it.
7. i didnt go to oppikoppi but had some much fun that weekend regardless.
8. today, my boss got locked in the bathroom. priceless.
9. my mother is now talking to me.

nothing else new here, no life-changing stuff, so here are some photos:

the best, the best, the best of you..

indeed it has been more than 2 months of no posts.. but here is a quick update:

1. i put pink in my hair.
2. i got dumped. should learn my lesson with boys in punk rock bands.
3. i am now employed.
4. i still drink like a fish.
5. my shrink says that i am doing very well.
6. last month, i had a toothache for a week, then fixed it by having a root canal. the following week, i had the flu. the week after that, i had bad pms. and, to top it off, the next week, i got dumped.
7. im trying REALLY hard to pretend that i dont get hurt.
8 i am on twitter - Tina_Terminator.
9. i kissed a boy that appearantly looks like spongebob.
10. my SG account was suspended for a month, due to me canceling my credit card, and waiting for ages to get a new one.
11. now that im a working girl, i am gonna save up to buy my sister a ticket to come visit me in december.
12. i work on a 24 inch iMac, that i would totally make love to.
13. i saw THE ATARIS live.
14. im really digging katy perry.
15. i am very grateful to facebook for having the option to block someone's updates without having to delete them as a friend. ignorance is bliss.
16. i still have to shoot my SG set
17. saw the local SGs in action, hereby vow to kill myself if i ever act that lame.
18. my mother is still not talking to me.
19. i am a little sad that tempos is closing down - i have awesome memories of growing up there.
20. my friend just got married, and yes, i am a little jealous, considering the fact that i would've been married in less than 3 months.
21. i have discovered that there's no such thing as real love.
22. vanja finally came back from the US - 3 weeks without her were hell.
23. i am very pleased that i ahve been hanging out with stella so much lately.
24. i have learnt to use Corel Draw.
25. i love vectos.
26. im addicted to fmylife.com
27. i am going to harties this sunday for a picnic. in a jeep.
28. im getting another tattoo soon.
29. i keep losing the balls (and, consequently the bars) of my snakebites.
30. i am loving the straatligkinders - my new fave SA band.

THE END.

tell me tell me can you feel the pressure now?

so, i have been spening plenty of time with the german, and he is really growing on me, like a german wart.

we went for early dinner on monday night, and then to pretoria on a road trip on tuesday, then we cuddled and watched DVDs :)

we went to DOORS on tuesday night, and, with mr bipolar there, more drama ensued:

the german and i had agreed to go home when drama starts, and yet it was too much and we couldnt tear ourselves away.
firstly, he did his shirt thing - which is, when h needs to 'scratch' his belly, he lifts up his shirt to show off his body. this is done
very casually. hahahahaha. then, his adorable ex came there, with the boy who wants her, ie the best friend, and mr bipolar did to
her exactly what he did to me last week. he ignored her, and flirted with some other girl. and thus, the night followed the format -
the adorable ex cried, then got drunk, the best friend pretended he didnt care, and mr bipolar was oblivious to it all.

we finally left at 11.15 cos we just couldnt take it anymore.

IN OTHER NEWS: i had to Doom a colony of ants yesterday, and i felt like a nazi in a concentration camp. but it had to be done.
today i cleaned the house, did the dishes (well, my dishwasher did them) and laundry. i have to go to my dads work at 1, so he
can show me the ropes, then we leave for the airport at about 4..

now i think we've taken this too far..

saturday night was extremely eventuful..

i went for coffee with mr bipolar, who i have now forgiven, but who will never be allowed to play tonsil hockey with me ever again. his german friend came with. well, hes not german, his dad is, and he has gorgeous blue eyes (the boy, not his dad). we went to school together, yet the amazigness of his eyes has always escaped me.

anyways, we had coffee and then we went back to my place, got ready and had pre-drinks at damien's place. mr bipolar insisted on picking up his adorable ex and paying for her for everything. the german and i drank beer and talked.

then we went to the gig. my gorgeous best friend was there, and, by that time, i was a little tanked, so i told tmr bipolar that i wanted the german. he gave me the ok on it, and so we were just hanging out, watching mr bipolar try get with the gorgeous best friend. it was a sight for sore eyes. he was making such a fool out of himself. i, of course, egged him on, and said that she wants him. he even smsed her to tell her he wants her. anyways, it obviously didnt work, so he decided to try with the adorable ex again, which turned the night into drama.

we ended up going to red room. on the way to there, mr bipolar was feeling sorry for himself:

MR BIPOLAR: i shouldnt have sent your gorgeous best friend that sms. shes totally not into me
ME: (look at the german)
THE GERMAN: no way dude, she totally digged you
MR BIPOLAR: you're right. she did, didnt she?
ME: (hitting the germans leg, trying to stiffle my gigles)

we got to red room, they werent allowed in with shorts, so we had to wait for damien, who managed to get arrested for drunk driving. anyways, an hour later, we went it, and then everyone disappeared, because the adorable ex was there. damien was sad, mr bipolar was flexing his muscles at her, and there was plenty of drama..

hold on to my beliefs now..

so, i ended up begging my sweet friends damien and tyler for a lift to olive lounge on thursday night. so i could drink. 'for research'.

the night was spent trying to pick up boys unsuccesfully. but i did manage to attract yet another stalker, who requested me on facebook, and i was too polite (and hungover) to ignore his request.

so, the fuck buddy was there, chatting up another girl. it didnt help my self-esteem that she was gorgeous. although, she did have buck teeth, but he didnt seem to mind. therefore, i am sure that i am no longer his fuck buddy.

i was hanging out with my wonderful new (and gay) friend darren, when a boy just came up to us. assumed that he was darren dear's friend, so i was polite. he ended up trying to impress me with his pick-up lines and the fact that he owns a jeep, and even invited me to come to the parking lot and see it. i sent my kieron instead, as i highly doubt he minds being raped by a jeep-driving, pick-up-line-spitting 18-year-old.

i caught up with kieron, who always manages to amuse. for example, he managed to break up a marriage the previous night. and i thought i had issues.

last night, gavin and i were going to go watch WATCHMEN, but we decided to go to O'Hagan's for a few beers first, and never left. While we were making out way towards an empty table, some really dodgy girl, named Star (I kid you not) tried to pick up my gavi, but saying that she knows him from somewhere. she had to of course be polite to me too, so she said she knows me from somewhere too. i genuinly believed her, until it dawned on me that she said she probably knows us from Doors, just because we look like we hang out there. Meanwhile, we both barely go there anymore. the sneaky little ginger even managed to get our numbers, although im suspecting she was trying to be poite again by taking mine. it was gavin's beef that she really wanted, which made me insanely jealous.

STAR: so, im going alone tomorrow night, please tell me you guys will definitely be there
ME: we will definitely be there
GAVIN: (silent)
STAR: cos i like boys with long blonde hair, kurt cobain style. (looks over at gavin) although a dark haired replacement would do.
GAVIN: (chokes on his beer)

i politely told star that we werent being rude, but we wanted to talk in private, so we were going to go sit in the corner. she didnt seem to get the hint, thankfully she left 30 minutes later.

gavi and i were finally alone with our beers, when, randomly, out of the blue, a huge ass devil moth went for my cleavage. i was flapping my arms about like a retarded bird, and finally managed to get it out. that was truley traumatic for me. but no, not for gavin, who almost died laughing.

just when i thought the night couldnt get more amusing, the cover band played I KISSED A GIRL. the lead singer was a guy.

enough said.

feeling like a freak on a leash..

in bulgaria we have a saying - from 2 chairs to the floor. you cannot sit on two chairs. my mother always tells me that when im seeing two guys simultaneously. well, it seems that after tuesday night's fiasco, another one bites the dust.

i am now on the floor from my 2 high bar stools.

mr bipolar smsed me yesterday apologising. i didnt reply. he is sick and off work. might have something to do with all the loogies i couged up in his beer. i can only hope.

so, there was another boy, mr desperate. i slept at his place the other night. he was acting like we were married and even said he loved me at one stage (i really wasnt drunk enough to have imagined that). to make matters worse, i forgot my jewelery there, and he has been wearing my very feminine cherry necklace to work. suuuureee, thats not freaky at all. never the less, i totally wanted to get to know him and hang out, etc. so, today i get up at my usual 11.30, and my facebook was fucked, then i gave up and went to do banking. then i get home and my fb works and he has messaged me saying that he knew id ditch him blah blah and teasing me with 'im getting your big bang theory this weekend'. i casually mentioned last night that im trying to download it, and he offered to get it for me. i was not fucking using him. anyways, i said, sorry my fb has been fucked all day, look at my news feed to see i havent spoken to anyone else today if you dont believe me. then he went off at me about me telling him about mr biplar yesterday (i was merely trying to make him laugh at my misfortune) and blah blah. i said, woah boy, we are not dating, so whats the problem?

i thought he was a sweet boy, albeit a little stalkerish. however, he too has proven me wrong. he is 28 and is acting 16. i am not his girlfriend, nor have i ever said that i will be, andhes acting like my mom when she forgets to take her menopause pills.

anyways. i went banking today, like i mentioned, and i had cash on me, so i bought HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU and MUSHY PEAS ON TOAST. i am reading a blog now. i also got perfume and eyeliner and shit. so i have caked on makeup, dressed like a desperate single girl looking for a good time (which is what i am) and am off to olive tonight for some (sober) partying. dammit, why do i have to drive everywhere?

second chances, they dont ever matter, people never change..

so, as much as i love miss peas, she has nothing on me, in terms of adventures. and misadventures.

which is what this post is about.

mr bipolar (you will understand later) and i liked eachother in school. he moved away and we started partying again this year. he broke up with his adorable ex 2 weeks ago, and they dated for 2 weeks. then we started hanging out more and scoring, etc. then, yesterday he tells me he is falling for me. so, last night, we were going to doors, and i was sleeping over.

we get there and he ignores me. then his adorable ex comes, and he is all over her, chatting and laughing, etc. just yesterday he said he was over her (it was 2 weeks, for christs sake!) but no, bipolar decided he isnt. they go talk outside, while i sit with my friend, fucking humiliated to no ends. so what is a girl to do? i spit in his beer. hell hath no fury and what not. the highlight of my crappy night came when he said 'hmmm, this beer tastes funny'. he drank it never the less. i drove home.

fucking loser.

i dont even miss you at all..

anyways, who cares about my stupid ex? hes a loser, always has been and always will be.

in may i am doing this:
http://za.contiki.com/tours/1-best-of-usa

kiss the ring, motherfucker, its my time to shine..

ok this is gonna be a long post. its my blog, and i have a lot to get off my already big chest:

so, i brokeup with my fiancee saturday before last.. here is the story:

we met, fell inlove and got engaged. of course, i never even saw a ring? and why should i? at 25, he has no proper job (he is a WAITER, which wont be so bad if he was 17), he doesnt have a car (well, he does, but it took him 10 months to fix it, as per my nagging, and it always breaks down. he cant afford a more stable one), and he has no education (dropped out after second year).

me being stupid and naive, i thought everything will work itself out. ha! i nagged him to study this year, its so cheap to study through unisa, for God's sake! guess what? HE MISSED THE ENROLLMENT DATE. i kid you not. he knew the date for 2 months prior, yet he was too busy drinking and partying to get his act together.

his place is a pigsty, like iv never seen before. theres never any toilet paper, and there are dirty clothes everywhere. its so disgusting, how he could bring his fiancee there. everytime we bought food, id be too disgusted to eat there..

his mother ditched him when he was 8, so his father looked after him. now, he blames his dad for everything. its so lame. meanwhile, his mother has never helped him at all, and trust me, she lives comfortably.

anyways, the big bang finally happened when he took ecstacy at a party and ditched me to talk to his friends crazy girlfriend all night. fuuuunnn. everyone there was high as a kite, it was SO LAME, i felt like i was at a high school party.

so, this is the story. how could i NOT leave him?

and without ever letting go i know you'd gone astray..

so, a lot has happened..

i walked away from the love of my life.. its a very long story and its still a lil sore even if i pretend it isnt..

anyways.. who cares right?

in the face of change..

im just not that amped on life. been really unhappy lately, with everything..

this aint no mecca man, this place is fucked..

im feeling more and more depro.. and sleeping too much again. i need to do some more design work to keep myself busy.. im just having
problems with life and love and shit..

i feel super lonely and unwanted and shit. and now, its not that time of the month..

in other news, i found a photographer who can shoot me for free for suicide girls. ah!

untitled 2..

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

love at first fright..

so, i roped my boyfriend into taking some test shots for my suicide girls application. here are 4 i like:

i cant sleep, i cant dream..

iv been having really weird recurring dreams..

- trying to walk (always in bulgaria) but not being able to stand up, walking on my knees
- our old flat in bulgaria
- my sister
- my grans place and her sweets cupboard
- driving a car from my sister's place to my cousins'
- driving towards the western border of bulgaria, thinking its bordering athens
- plane crashes that i witness in bulgaria

its weird.. today im doing my portfolio, there are a few self-initiated editorials id like to do..

hey little girl with cash to burn..

ok, so lauren says i always have short posts, so im gonna try post longer ones in the future.. and more often..

tonight, lauren, vanja and i had a chicks night out, it was so nice, lauren always makes me laugh and vanja always keeps me in check, and im addicted to her cinicism (weird, i know)..

we had coffee and then watched this:

appearantly, it was a flop in america, but i kinda enjoyed it..

i kissed a girl, and i liked it..

so, iv been thinking a lot lately, and now that i've graduated, id like to so something iv always wanted to - become a suicide girl.. i was never comfortable with being nude, but now that im older im way more confident, and i dont mind it. the photography is extremely classy and i dont mind showing what my momma gave me.. i got myself a subscription on friday and have been looking at gorgeous girls ever since!!

so iv been trying to get in shape a bit, rohan did a test shoot for me on friday, its looking ok, has potential.. christelle will be doing shoots for me once she comes back from balito.. SG pays R5000 per set of pix, so its not bad!!

with you i never felt alone..

so, i passed my exam, thus i graduate in a month :)

other than that, nothing new here, didnt have a computer, modem and internet for ages *sigh*

been a long time..

it has been so irritating not having internet for the past 2 weeks!

a new year, new hope..

exam on thursday. hold thumbs.